What if I never figure out what it is exactly I want? What if I have too many interests it makes it too difficult for me to narrow down to just one or two things? Why can’t I have them all incorporated into one vague description? Because it’s true, currently I do have a whole list of things that interest me. Ranging from all things creative – though in that particular area I’m rather a traditionalist, hand made is more my thing – to all things psychological, politics to a degree and current affairs. Not to mention food, culture and languages, and popular culture with its weird phenomena attached to it. Just how does that boil down to something concrete? What if the definitions become too confined and act like a prison? What if I’m rather reluctant to be defined and be defined by them? What if I don’t want to choose, and more or less move along life with all the vagueness it invokes?
Caged. © CC
I have to admit, this need for definitions to clarify ourselves, and therefore the world we live in, makes me rather uncomfortable. I don’t want to expel aspects of myself, just because they don’t fit. Nor do I want to force myself to fit, just because the vagueness doesn’t sit well with others. Or at least it makes them uncomfortable, as they don’t really know what to do with it.
True, I am an introvert. Despite the general misconstrued negative connotations, I am most definitely an introvert. Though to say it’s a definite in all things, well, is rather misplaced.
It’s all rather vague, and depending on my mood it changes. I merely started to crochet out of sheer curiosity, now I’m about 6 scarves and one giant granny square blanket further. Just because I could. Knowing myself, I wouldn’t be completely surprised if I lose interest somewhere along the way and go back to ‘ordinary’ painting and drawing.
Finding myself cooped up in an office environment truly does no good for my wandering mind. Not in the sense I can’t focus or not do a proper job, but my natural inclination to wonder about things. An almost insatiable thirst for knowledge, wanting new challenges to come along. Boredom is what I truly fear. And yet I usually find myself in those surroundings, simply due to the fact I haven’t been able to convince my inner sceptic.
Duel. If you made this, let me know.
At times it feels like an ongoing duel between my intuition and sceptic. The one side trying to sway the other, and in the meantime getting nowhere. Never hits the target, always misses and where neither is a winner or a loser. All the while leaving me in a quandary. Should I choose a side, or do both sides have good arguments?
And perhaps that just it. Perhaps it isn’t a matter of choosing a side, or deciding which is right and wrong.
Perhaps it just is, and that’s ok too.
Slightly out of sync... 
I think there’s an ideology of being at the moment that says somehow it all has to fit together and there has to be one right thing … but i don’t know that it is that way. It hasn’t worked out for me, anyway 🙂
Yeah, the older I get, the more fallacies surface about what ‘being an adult’ is. Including one should have a set goal and plan, and at a certain age it should all make sense.
Except of course life doesn’t work that way. Perhaps for the few, lucky few, those lucky bastards. 😉
Lots of people who have a plan (cough) see it fall apart. So, yeah, a great deal of luck is necessary.
😀 Or realise that the well executed plan might not be the right thing for them after all.
yeah, it’s hard not to get disillusioned. Which is probably why it’s good to have a diffuse group of interests? (shrugs optmistically?)
It sure is something I keep telling myself. 😉