Signs…

Luckily nothing as shambalic as the movie, so fortunately for you no Mel Gibson popping up in this post. That…would be, well, no. Just no.

Great irony of signs.

What am I referring to is something much, much more tangible. Or maybe not, depending on who you are of course.

As a matter of fact I’m talking about those little things in life, the little details you finally notice after a long absence of some sorts. I think I am at a point where I can look back frankly, and determine the past couple of years have been a tough ride for me personally. At least I had the fortitude to acknowledge I could not continue as I was and I needed to do something. Looking back I can see nearly all the joy in my life was sucked out by the expectations and the wrong decisions I had made. They are not bad decisions per se, just not the right ones for me.

I had allowed myself to grow numb towards what mattered to me. To bow down to what is expected and try to deal with the ‘real world’, no matter how bitter the taste was, I made myself swallow that swill. I set aside that inner voice shouting at me “This is the wrong decision,” and went on my not-so-merry way. Trying to convince myself “One day I will be fine with it.”

Alas, the more I went down that particular route, the more persistent the unrest became. That inner voice I could not manage to quiet or mute. That growing and nagging feeling pointing out I wasn’t going anywhere I’d be remotely happy. Not even close to being slightly content. And if I don’t act now, I most definitely will regret it.

That moment was somewhere in the summer of 2007.

So here we are, nearly 7 years later. Whomever claims that change takes place quite quickly, well, maybe it does for you. For me it has taken some hard grafting, investing a couple of years to reacquaint me with myself basically, trying to answer some tough questions that were lingering in the back of my mind for as long I can remember. Facing the great discomfort I had pushed aside when it came to the emotional side.

Why am I bringing all of this up? Well, as I said in the beginning, it’s the little things that make me realise where I’ve been. And where I want to go. I’m starting to see my snarky side pop up more often. I’m starting to see that particular sarcastic side of me return. Where I can poke fun at my observations, mock the silliness I see around me. And also willingly partake in said silliness. The absurdity in so much, and take pleasure from it. It seems slowly but surely I’m feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin, once more.

Does this make things any easier? Of course not. The circumstances haven’t changed one iota, but I guess the conditions where I operate in finally are. The mere thought I have to return to an office, stuck behind a desk for the unforeseen future only fills me with utter dread.

The 7 years have taught me this: while people may think they know what is best for you, ultimately only you will know what is right for you.

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4 thoughts on “Signs…

  1. Wow. Brave.

    In solidarity: I have similar experiences. The signs of my unhappiness started appearing in 2004 but it took me till 2011 to get out of that job and it’s taking another three to get out of the career. I make progress all the time but it’s very slow. The signs are really helpful — just little reminders I’m on the right path.

    I don’t think it matters how fast you get there as long as you’re moving in the direction you think you need to.

    • Brave? How so, if you don’t mind me asking.

      Yes to your last point, exactly that. I just think we’ve fallen for the fallacy change will happen quickly. And feel something’s wrong when it clearly takes much longer for it take hold.

      • When I’ve talked to people about it (I sort of see it in line with a Jungian synchronicity — suddenly you see particular kinds of signals lining up) people have generally questioned my sanity.

        • Oh I see! It’s not surprising though, it does sound rather New-Agey when you look at it objectively. I’ve questioned my sanity oft enough through it all, and I’m as rational as they come, but even I have to say I don’t understand how it all works. Even if it’s real, or simply a figment of my imagination. All I do know is when my mother is once again trying pressure me into ‘a real job, better to have a steady income so you can do whatever you want in your free time’ I now have a very strong adverse reaction.

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