After another lecture from my mother some weeks ago, I did get to say some of the things that had always bothered me. How she’s always so focused on the negative, and do nothing but complain about all the things I’m not doing or haven’t done. Why would I want to engage in that discussion? Yeah, lets talk about all the bad things for an amazing ego boost!
She more or less accused me if not knowing what I want, which is not exactly true of course, but I never dared to say it aloud. For I knew my dream didn’t exactly fit in with the expectations. My mother uttered she’d support me with whatever venture I’d set my heart on, on which I answered she wouldn’t.
I got the sarcastic remark that it must be her fault then. “I never said those things.” My answer was that she didn’t have to, I can hear the criticism in my head. Her voice and judgement are very much internalised at this point.
It never is so much about the things that were said, but more so about the unspoken words I realise. I truly can’t remember a moment where either parent were proud about my creative achievements. Never heard them utter a word of support or encouragement on that front. Or even an acknowledgement. And yes, that stings. A lot. The only time where it was somewhat acceptable was until about 6-7 years of age? From that age onwards I guess I was supposed to shift my attention from the useless to the more ‘serious and pragmatic’ subjects.
Failing maths got me more attention than the arts ever did.
How could one not come to the unspoken conclusion it doesn’t matter? It has no relevance, no meaning, no nothing. At least not outside the home. It is nothing but folly, impractical and of no great value. Only the truly great artists like Picasso or Matisse are worthy of their creative outbursts, but as I lack their talent, I should focus on more ordinary things, and simply keep the creative streak behind closed doors as it is unnecessary in most circumstances. I should simply ignore it and focus on other more tantamount matters. The only role it should play is in my time off, the weekends, the holidays. Most certainly not something to be incorporated in my daily working life. Now had I managed to earn a reasonable living from day #1 it could have been somewhat different, but I never had the confidence I could. And to be quite fair, my lack of confidence is still what gets in the way today.
Sometimes I truly wish she’d understand that repeating the same behaviour and words will not lead to a different outcome. If anything this constant loop of badgering words are simply wearing me down, wearing thin in general, and the only result is me pulling away from her. If only one would realise demeaning words are not helpful. Ever. The only thing you’ll achieve is growing resentment, anger and being cut out of one’s life. Yes, I have to admit I don’t feel like sharing what goes on in my life with her, as I can live without her critical words once again. Finding a full-time job that pays well enough is what truly matters, not being able to (re-) ignite my true self and allowing it to flourish.
And I truly wish she’d let go of what she thinks is best for me, as her wish list doesn’t even resemble mine in any shape or form. If anything she has shown time and time again she hardly has any idea what drives me or what makes me me. I mean at times she’s held me accountable for the words I may have said when I was child, about my future plans and what I wanted to become. Yeah, because all 18 year olds clearly know what’s best for them when it comes to life choices, let alone when you’re much younger. Yes, because at that age you’re fully aware of the consequences for the next 50-60-70 years from now. Because clearly everyone knows early on what their path should be and decides accordingly. Once again proving that those who are closest to you and should know you best, sometimes know you the least. We’re standing too close to the canvas and are unable to see the big picture, and perhaps at times somewhat unwilling as we erroneously tend to think we know truly know people as we’ve known them since birth.
Never mind the fact I was always that creative child who loved nothing but to draw and create when given the opportunity, the latter usually at a friend’s house with a very creative mother. Yes, clearly that was not according to plan, and therefore should not be acknowledged or encouraged.
Whatever the circumstances or the whys or hows, I’m getting sick an tired of this internal battle that has been raging for the majority of my life and I want to put an end to it.
If only it was so simple as pushing a delete button to erase some of the scenes and a rewind button to redo some others.